highest tolerance level

2010-08-03T21:01:00.002+08:00

I caught a glimpsed of my past on the bus yesterday and i was afraid, so I shunned.

She was dressed in red and with a friend that she happened to meet.

I just couldn't go up to say "Hi" or even make myself visible for any oppourtunity, I hid in the crowd.

There is just too much of fear beneath my skin. I cannot confront it.

I slipped out of the bus along with her.

******

I've deleted my entire inbox. Those messages kept for years in a metaphorical box.

I wonder if that had deleted you from my life.

I had deliberately let go, stop trying. It may be better for us this way. Perhaps we still have a long way to grow. Have you given up your grip already? Or did you let go far earlier than me?

******

My mid-year GP paper made it into the GP bulletin.

If I hadn't made a U-turn, I wouldn't have this chance.

U-turning has impacted me in so many ways I cant even begin to list them out.

And I continue to evade some, evading my past.

Am I now but a shade of myself, or have I always been a shade?

2010-07-13T22:47:00.002+08:00

I'm still playing bejeweled blitz now because I am afraid to go to sleep.

I'm afraid of finding out all the mid-year exam question papers.

I'm afraid that i cannot sleep, just like the past two days, or rather nights.

A whole life of insecerity and fear.

I don't expect anyone to understand because they can't, just like how it is impossible for me to understand anyone.

I just need company.

Almost all my sentence start with "I". Yes I am egocentric. Who isn't?

I'm afriad of confessions, confrontations, accusations, devastation, raging emotions.

The child in me is always malnourished, she has never had a chance to grow up amidst all the fear that is stricken.

Spasmic reflexes in bed.

2010-07-12T12:10:00.000+08:00

Cleaned up the links.

Changed picture.

2010-07-02T13:57:00.000+08:00

lost my wallet today.

bewildering.

hopefully, it would be found soon.

2010-06-24T18:58:00.002+08:00

Flash is temporarily down so I'm bored. Installing Adobe CS4 so the adobe stuff in the com is currently disrupted until the installation is done. (I think)

Anyway (urgh I'm really lazy to type the capital letter) was thinking what i want to do as a career.

Stuff i really like are writing, knitting (not as a career though, that would be real cheap labour), occasional artistic bursts.

Seems like I would face lots of difficulties trying to make money. But I want to be rich ! Damn it.

The art life is a gloomy one in the face of finances.

2010-06-18T21:28:00.004+08:00

It's touching that how after all these years the ones who really care are still squadmates. :)

Qi you're talking about when seth tan tried to talk to us isit? Totally could feel my own face dropping off. It's so hard to explain to people who don't really matter much but will judge. So just skipped the justification but really felt horrid.

Fighting on !

2010-06-16T20:35:00.002+08:00

Really haven't been here in a long time.

Today on the train I was thinking about how I'm still in JC while friends are waiting to start university.

You know... wait, you probably don't. Unless you have U-turned/retained too.

Anyway, what I was thinking is that staying back a year is like stepping out of the train before reaching the destination, sitting on the platform for a few minutes which seems to be like years, and then boarding the next train.

It really is a draining disappointment.

I can always catch the next train, but never the previous one which i had alighted from.

In the next train, 90% of the passengers are wearing green, but my shirt is red.

Then at each station, the doors open people on the platform gasps, peering into you expecting some sort of explanation. Someone politely asks why am I here.

"I... really didn't want to have missed the previous train, but the train was accelerating far too much and I had to alight before my eardrums burst. Sometimes I miss the people on that train. I may even miss the train itself." And the train says "Door Closing" like a polite warning.

Feeble consolations. Awkwardness. You only experience it once when you ask this one time. Do you know how many times I had to explain why I ain't on the previous train?

Perhaps I would come to realise that in reality, it wouldn't matter which train am I on since all trains pass through all stations.

But the trains are still moving and the passengers aren't alighting.

小虎隊-蝴蝶飛呀

2010-05-24T19:02:00.002+08:00

havent been here in a long time.

anyway, here's a song that i really like:

蝴蝶飞呀 - 小虎队

海风在我耳边倾诉着老船长的梦想
白云越过那山岗目的在寻找它的家
小雨敲醒梦中的睡荷展开微笑的脸庞
我把青春作个风筝往天上爬
贝壳爬上沙滩看一看世界有多么大
毛毛虫期待着明天有一双美丽的翅膀
小河躺在森林的怀抱唱着春天写的歌
我把岁月慢慢编织一幅画
梦是蝴蝶的翅膀
年轻是飞翔的天堂
放开风筝的长线把爱画在岁月的脸上
心是成长的力量就像那蝴蝶的翅膀
迎着风声越大歌声越高亢
蝴蝶飞呀就像童年在风里跑
感觉年少的彩虹比海更远比天还要高
蝴蝶飞呀飞向未来的城堡
打开梦想的天窗让那成长更快更美好

2010-05-09T14:17:00.001+08:00

Then, take my name and escape your own.

- Angel Clare (Tess of the d'Urbervilles, 1998 tv series)

2010-03-07T11:16:00.003+08:00

friday has been a long day though it wasnt much of my business.

extremes.

yesterday there was a chinese funeral under my block and at the next block was a malay wedding with blasting karaokae.

8th floor was washing their air-conditioner yesterday, though they had asked us to keep our laundry, the black water still splattered in.

then we had grey windows.

if you want to stay clean, stay on top,

but you would be closer to lightning.

2010-02-19T23:32:00.002+08:00

realised that i have various ideas saved as drafts in my 创作 account. the earliest one was from like last september : /

oh wells.

tuanbai tomorrow ! : D shuh i'll finally get to see you after you mia for so long -.-

really bad skin. 内分泌失调！

work to do:

Oranges are Not the Only Fruit (quote analysis, actually already overdue. sigh)

Richard III essay (killer)

read finish Wuthering Heights (real slow progress, improving though)

read and annotate article on Female Loyalty

Poem comparison and analysis (why is it all lit hw !)

Econs essays on litespeed ( : /)

2010-02-07T21:10:00.001+08:00

yay happy today ! : )

squadmates are really the best people to hang around with, literally.

can just pile our legs together : ) [with the exception of nette yap -.- that dumbo]

fun ! : ) though technically we just ate talk and shop haha

2010-02-06T23:18:00.002+08:00

had dinner with huiying and we got the party stuff and ordered the cake :)

then we painted the -sort of- banner :P

will get to see her tmr again ! haha

meeting the squad tomorrow ! : D

2010-02-06T12:12:00.002+08:00

Some sort of jumbled updates:

*****

One of the poems that I've written was published in zaobao : )

It's 黑色星期五的杂思, published along with the other works of nyjc students.

Yep, pretty happy about it. ^^

*****

At woodlands library right now.

So on Saturdays I become The Outsider.

The force chases me out, out and away. Then the genuine Outsiders become family.

*****

I accept what you do, especially since it is for a positive cause.

You ask if I have considered your emotions.

Of course I had.

When words act as blades, thrust deep within the bosom.

Do not conjure malignant hypotheses. Even if you do, keep me out of it, I do not need to be informed.

*****

The knowledge and power to hurt a kin, possessed by us all.

When you unintentionally unleash your piercing weapon, do you regret?

Do you realise?

Regardless, the blood would not gush out from the lacerations forever.

Instead, we heal. Closing the gap with platelets. Scar on scar we heal.

We learn.

Then we act as is nothing has happened.

The Mud People, futile cleansing at times.

*****

Youtube lags and it drives me mad.

*****

Meeting huiying a few hours later. : )

Am going to see her for two consecutive days!

Will be preparing for Sunday's gathering with squadmates !

*****

Sometime this week, our CLL teacher let us do a reflection.

To write 5 points on either:

Gratitude

Areas to improve

Hopes for the future

(a combination is allowed)

So anyway, we were given around 15 mins (far too short !) to write on it. After which we will display all of it on the whiteboard and the class would have a "gallery walk".

We were told to write our names and class (we're a jumbled up CLL class) on the back our reflection so as to conceal our identity, so the gallery walk was made to be more interesting as we could give a try on guessing which is whose. ;) Some were fairly easy, through the handwriting, style, writing manner, and content (haha). But the others remain obscure especially since we don't even know some of them, moreover their handwriting.

Anyway, while I was reading the reflections of others, Dexian tapped me on the shoulder and signalled to me my paper and his own. Turns out that for the "Gratitude" section, both of us has written on the exact same issue: our U-turning (repeating a year in jc), and our gratitude towards the school and our parents.

Okay it's obvious why we're grateful to our parents for being understanding and supportive, especially since we're in Singapore huh. Haha.

But as for gratitude towards the school, it would seem odd at first. (doesn't it?)

Most students would be grateful for excellent results. But here are two seemingly "academic failures" expressing gratitude to the school, why?

Because of a Second Chance.

Thank you Mr. Kwek, for not giving up on us.

2010-01-30T21:26:00.003+08:00

666th post (just thought that i'll mention it haha)

a kind soul found my phone before i even realised that i've dropped it.

thanks so much : )

but because there wasn't a real realise-panic-finding frantically phase since it was lost and found within such a short period, i've realised that... the gratitude is not exactly prominent.

人真是犯贱。

水龙头里流出来的自来水，怎比得上久旱后，从天而降的甘霖？

2010-01-29T20:33:00.002+08:00

got back all components of lit block test paper.. and i managed to pass ! : )

grade C but comparatively good as compared to the cohort i would say ? the teachers said that the cohort did badly esp for comparison and richard.

actually passed RIII ! amazing because really didnt have much idea about what i was trying to write but nevermind. still have to word hard on in since my eventual goal is not merely a pass (duh)

omg popcorn party next sun with squadmates ! qingqing are you coming ?!?!!! my mum says she would cook fried beehoon for us ! : D

have to delve into wuthering heights tomorrow (finally. so behind time)

saw a girl on the bus today.

she had such horrid eye makeup, looked like the boy in The Grudge -.-

reached home and slammed the door hard into my face. great job !

looking forward to next sun ! so happy gonna see squaddies (haha) again ! : DD

2010-01-27T20:46:00.001+08:00

realised that there are really alot of mistakes in the cll wr.

but whatever la.

one presentation down after tomorrow ! would be left with econs, gp and e.lit

2010-01-25T01:02:00.002+08:00

so i guess lessons shall begin to run normally (finally) from ~~tomorrow~~ today onwards.

didn't get into the H3 CLL program though. it is... kind of disappointing.

but nevermind cos on the brighter side, that means more time for other subjects.

really need some miracle for econs and pure maths.

my writing skills are evaporating ! need to practice more : /

cant believe i even screwed my chinese essay.

seems like quite alot of people are aiming for the good progress award for mid years huh. haha

cos we're all dead from block test.

getting back papers this week. hais.

2010-01-22T23:06:00.001+08:00

block test is over and my papers are screwed

2010-01-21T22:57:00.003+08:00

one more day of block test

(seriously super fail)

there's going to be SIX hours of writing tmr 0.0

3 for eng lit and 3 for CLL. yeah mannnnnnnnnn

i miss squadmatessssssssss

2010-01-10T13:41:00.001+08:00

come to think about it, this is the last day of my 15th end-of-year holidays !

and procrastination is still here to stay. (sigh)

2010-01-09T20:50:00.003+08:00

Whenever I feel I am on the heights with the breeze in my hair, the weather turns tumultuous and a bolt strikes me at where I am, forcing a sped up roll down the slope.

Thanks, life. It's a fun ride.

Hi 2010, technically the last ever teenage year.

2009-12-30T16:49:00.001+08:00

off till 3rd.

2009-11-28T21:26:00.002+08:00

18 !

don't really feel any difference actually, spent it quite normally.

but anyway it's still a new stage of life? sort of since it's the legal age.

new year ahead !! endless opportunities

2009-11-17T02:40:00.002+08:00

人曰：“为何彼诗中总含悲伤？”

曰：“最伤时用情最深。”

2009-11-14T10:19:00.001+08:00

my 创作 page is updated! (finally)

http://verbatimed.blogspot.com

2009-11-13T22:30:00.001+08:00

迷~！

张宇！！！:D

2009-11-11T21:13:00.001+08:00

好想写歌词

（可是音乐细胞是零-.-）

还是努力写新诗吧 :)

2009-11-09T03:21:00.003+08:00

ARGH I CANT WAIT FOR 16 NOV TO COME SO THAT I CAN GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

(such an odd comment from me considering that i actually like this 糜烂的生活)

my sleeping patterns are all messed up cos i just sleep and wake up whenever i feel like it.

eg. it's 3.22 AM right now and i am still awake ?!?!?! I'M KAIXIN FOR GOODNESS SAKE I REALLY SHOULD BE SLEEPING RIGHT NOW! (but my nap was too long so..)

so yes you see, i need some kind of school, or rather, some sort of order.

but i dont exactly look forward to the start of cca.

BUT it's only going to be less than half a year so...

2009-11-09T03:08:00.004+08:00

caught wind that judo camp is cancelled online by browsing blogs.

hais technology has evolved such that even when i'm rotting at home with nobody informing me about it, i can still get information.

the power of the Internet.

anyway, though it's a real odd time to say this since training havent even resumed yet, i'm looking forward to stepping down from cca.

should be quite early next year? probably march/april i guess since team event is going to be pushed forth to march.

i dont even know if we're going to have enough people in the correct weight categories to fight.

besides, i wonder how many would continue considering that quite a few did badly for promos.

hais

miss the girls in the (real) team

p.s. i miss the squad even more

2009-11-05T22:26:00.002+08:00

met shuh and rong in ny to study, (or rather they studied and i mostly looked on)
got a grasp on 六国论 and basically thats all i did.
but time with squad is always comfort : )

wild thoughts
so nyjc's going to have biometric attendance taking from next year onwards

missed the principal's talk on college plans, but i wasn't supposed to be in school anw.

so nyjc's going to have a (tentative) synthetic field.

i've kind of, got something against non-human attendance taking.

i guess it's inside 梁文福's 《左手的快乐》

one less admin job for the class reps too

and fake grass, with fake soil.

Post modernists reject everything, and we have nothing left to cling onto.

Nature?

then again, we have lost our ability to live in the real nature.
i mean, look, i'm typing on a laptop ! about the degradation of human interaction and the dissolving of nature in the urban ! haha !

we are cynical, skeptical, and we are acutely aware of the negativity that lies beneath every single thing. we are sharply sensitive and yet largely outwardly apathetic.

i find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad. - mad world (tears for fears)

i had enough of younger sisters screaming at home. but life is like that, i did not ask to be born, i did not ask to be the eldest, i did not ask to be female. they did not ask to be born too. 3 siblings, two accidental lives. does it really matter is life was planned or accidental? will it turn out to be the same?

i bet my parents did not ask to have such a solemn, silent thinking offspring. but the world is just like that and dissembling nature cheats us all.

how awful, Nature being true and dissembling, and us humans, children of Nature, exceeds and excels much further especially in the latter.

spare the rod and spoil the child. even though it has been proven and widely accepted that corporal punishment should not be administered to kids, i still believe in the cane. why? because i had so much of it. i'm not saying that the cane is good and that i turned out good, or better than them, but the cane taught me an extremely important lesson in life - how to shut up.

i really think they should be beaten, harshly. maybe not the elder one, she's probably too old for it. but for the youngest, she obviously doesnt know enough.

they're shouting at each other to shut up now, the irony.

which requires more courage? to live or to die?

why is courage so important anyway?

so sick about all these EQ stuff around my house. so what if you've got all the knowledge and "practices" and "skills" when you dont apply them in life ? by the way, the word "you" used here is plural. and that includes myself.

single child(ren) want siblings. I want to be free.

but freedom can coil back and trap the mind.

shall stop for now. it's not a splitting headache, but a tiny sore which crawls from the left temple, slowly amplifying and fading like a feeble beating heart.

2009-11-04T21:49:00.002+08:00

张雨生 - 我的未来不是梦

这是首极为励志的歌，一直伴着我走过成长的过程。

有太多好歌想和大家分享了！最近多了很多自由时间，听了好多经典歌曲，用“感触良多”大概不足为过。
计划开个好歌分享网站，暂时还没开始写，不过一定会去写的啦 :)

张雨生過世前三天接受媒體採訪時問到他最欣賞的音樂家時，他回答：「我最欣賞的是莫札特...上天讓他下來傳播如天籟一般的音樂，卻又發現莫札特傳播的速度太過驚人，只好又趕快把他帶回天堂。」

天妒英才？

;)

p.s. 亲爱的在高二的朋友们！（有点肉麻）考试加油！

陈玮婷！我等你23号考完试了来我家！

squadmates ! we have to meet up to eat k! my house can be the venue !

2009-11-04T21:17:00.000+08:00

羅大佑 - 鹿港小鎮

羅大佑 - 現象七十二變

蘇芮 - 一樣的月光

2009-10-23T17:15:00.003+08:00

Got back promos raw score today and the process was completely peppered with uncertainess and various disappointments and surprises. I mean, of course there is a massive amount of uncertainness inside me, being a retainee (although it was my own rational choice) with no second chance, AND with a 180 degrees stream change from science to arts.

So first up was GP and it was awesome because Mdm Shasila had told some classmates that out of the three classes she taught, 0937 was the best class that performed in this exam. while I really had doubts about getting a good score cos when I left the exam venue that day, I just felt super dead after the comprehension. : / And thus today when I got to look at my paper, it is wholly an extremely pleasant surprise that I secured a B! for the first ever time in my two years in jc, my essay reached 30/50. And while my comprehension short questions and vocab were a flop, I was saved by summary and AQ. Oh yes and the comment that I got for AQ was fantastic even though it's only 2 words : cogent argument. I had to check it with my phone's dictionary to see what it means though haha. GP was definitely a great surprise but the nagging doubt in my head is as strong as a persistent weed. DUH! it was only one out of five papers !

Okay then next up was Maths (H1) which was good for me too cos after an E in midyears and various U grades in common tests, this time I got a C. Needless to say this is a great score considering i only expected an E. At least I didn't let Mr Loke down after being the most de-proved student after splitting into his class. Seriously, he's a dedicated teacher, it's just that i really hate differentiation and integration and those happen to be the subjects that were taught after the class was split.

Econs was just... horrid. But I didn't expect to do very well too, though i didnt expect it to be THIS bad. only scored around 38%, nowhere near to a pass. Extremely demoralising since this was the first H2 that I received. And I was still worrying about E.lit too. Wasn't exactly very worried about CLL though. So anyway one H2 down.

CLL was a major disappointment. Already expected to not score for paper 2 so was quite okay to see that I got a E for that. But paper 1 was completely dampening cos while I got a D for it, the mark was a total decline from last year's B grade for paper 1. Hais. overall it was 100/200, barely a D. Such a shame since I was a CLEP scholar last year AND that I requested for H3 CLL as a non-LEP student. Wonder how would it turn out.

E.lit was the best paper I ever got in my whole two years in nyjc ! Really very unexpected because I remember leaving the exam feeling like I've totally screwed my Shakespeare "Richard III" paper. Well, as it turns out, I actually got the highest for that segment ! with 21/25 ! the paper that pulled me down was actually Carol Ann Duffy's poems which I actually felt more prepared for it. Guess it was despair and devastation that caused me to almost completely forgo quoting from the poems and that gave me a heavy lash, an otherwise not too bad analysis is sabotaged by my own negligence of quotes. But as it balances out with Richard and Unseen which also had a high score, I actually managed to attain an overall A ! though it barely flew past the "A" criteria with around 70.6%, it's really a great paper, I mean, after four major exams, finally an A and totally unexpected !

So now while the rest of the scores (particularly CLL and Econs. gah) are not that awesome, (a B for GP is still awesome though : D), I'm clearly in the safe zone for promotion. Grateful to all the teachers, but I'm really extremely sorry towards Mrs Roy cos she really had high hopes for me in Econs. Hais. anyway with promotion being confirmed, I can now rest my mind and really start to prepare for jc2.

Finally.

Goes to show that my decision to U-turn was right. Bravery and stupidity are only separated by a line as thin as a strand of hair.

ABCDU.

This shall be the last time that I see a U.

JIAYOU !

2009-10-17T23:28:00.000+08:00

很喜欢萧敬腾《善男信女》中雨伞的意象。

2009-10-11T19:28:00.002+08:00

if you read fml and mlia, you should try mlig and gmh too.

mylifeisg.com
givesmehope.com

2009-10-11T09:43:00.002+08:00

A Child's View Of Grandma

Many years ago, a four-year-old girl named Sandra Louise Doty described what she thought a grandmother was like. She said,

" A grandmother is a lady who has no children of her own, so she likes

other people's little girls. A grandfather is a man grandmother. He goes for walks with the boys, and they talk about fishing and tractors and like that. Grandmas don't have to do anything except be there. They're old, so they shouldn't play hard or run. It is enough if they drive us to the market where the pretend horse is and have lots of dimes ready. Or if they take us for walks, they should slow down past things like pretty leaves or caterpillars. They should never, ever say, 'Hurry up.'

"Usually, they are fat, but not too fat to tie kids' shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take off their teeth and gums. They don't have to be smart, only answer questions like why dogs hate cats and how come God isn't married. They don't talk baby talk like visitors do, because it is hard to understand. When they read to us, they don't skip or mind if it is the same story again."

Then she finished,

"Everybody should try to have [a grandmother], especially if you don't have television, because grandmas are the only grown-ups who have got time."

2009-10-05T22:55:00.002+08:00

econs essay just killed.

i think i might have a chance to pass maths actually. just an E?

please let GP pass.

more to go: Lit, CLL, & econs case study.

waiting for improved bejeweled blitz !

2009-10-01T20:18:00.001+08:00

这大概是我一生中皮肤最烂的时候。

拜托别再烂下去了！开始变好吧！

2009-10-01T19:55:00.000+08:00

i need to have some comfort food.

(okay actually it's a drink)

豆奶！

2009-10-01T18:36:00.001+08:00

不安。

2009-09-23T00:44:00.001+08:00

好累。

觉得‘累’这个字，有点像被绳索悬着脖颈的人。

这画面还真有点恐怖。

2009-09-15T18:15:00.003+08:00

刚到楼下的咖啡店跟鸡饭uncle买了三包叉烧饭。

好久都没下去买了，这几年都有大妹负责打包。她每次去买饭，uncle都会特地在每盒饭中加半颗卤蛋，有时会是一颗。免费。倒是妈妈去买的时候就像普通客户一样，没有“特别待遇”。妹妹为这卤蛋还有点不好意思呢。

鸡饭uncle的刀法还是那么地利落，切的叉烧片片都纹路清晰。刀，一下就划穿了悬在钢架上的那串叉烧。

他没抬头，突然说

你还没毕业啊？

刀子仍利落地在粘板上，打着轻轻的竹板。

哦，哈哈，还没有。明年才毕业。

他抬头，手仍忙着把叉烧摆到饭盒里。手一溜，每盒饭里多了卤蛋。

很快hor，看你们从小看到大，看到我老了。

其实uncle看起来还是和十年前一样，仍是一头乌发。不过嘴边泛灰的胡渣却把他出卖了。

还记得小时候胃口较小，都是和大妹分着吃一包有加饭的。加饭不用钱。

uncle把饭盒装进那熟悉的，白色的，印满红色狮头塑料袋。

我把一张十块钞票递给他。

他把零钱递给我，我就能立刻把它放进钱包，没有检查的必要。

谢谢uncle。

Bye bye.

******

这里的鸡饭（白斩鸡或烧鸡）、叉烧饭、烧肉饭，都是一流的。

有机会一定要去吃一吃，不过可不保证有卤蛋哦。;)

2009-09-13T19:06:00.002+08:00

flooble's chatterbox is being a bitch, not unfrequently anyway

so i've ditched it for cbox finally.

wondering how to change the colours....

[edit] okay so i've changed the colours but the bottom box dont seem to match what i've chosen

and i am not coping well with the fact that school starting again tomorrow.

2009-09-13T15:58:00.003+08:00

No I Do Not Want To Talk.

2009-09-01T20:52:00.002+08:00

杏仁豆腐&皮蛋粥

年幼时避而远之

但现在却

尝出韵味。

也许不久后，姜与蒜也会被接受。

不知道是味觉成熟了，还是退化了。

2009-08-26T21:32:00.001+08:00

So, after you were mine, how was it? Just remember that I did not ask for Life.

2009-08-23T19:14:00.002+08:00

扑上抽离的粉底

画上沦陷的眉

扫上失落的眼影

夹上虚伪的睫

涂上暗淡的唇

再抹上

惆怅的腮红

完美地

在人群中

粉墨登场

2009-08-14T20:43:00.002+08:00

went to order my replacement spectacles today !

it's 59 bucks ! not too bad ya : )

AND i can collect it by next tues wheeeeee

2009-08-13T21:03:00.000+08:00

因为经过低潮，才能迎接下一个高峰。

2009-08-11T00:05:00.001+08:00

I am in blood
Stepp'd in so far, that, should I wade no more,
Returning were as tedious as go o'er.
- Macbeth

but apparently, i have chosen to return instead of stepping across.

and now i continue to wade through this academic pool of blood, all over again.

hopefully i get to learn how to swim.

2009-08-10T18:50:00.002+08:00

So full of rage she is heated,

melting her eyes out of her sockets.

Distraught, she reaches for spoons to contain her liquified dread,

sending them to the freezer.

After hours, she feels her way to the fridge,

retrieving her frozen sight.

She places the iced ovals into her hollows.

All she sees is a murky greyness, the

truth.

2009-08-09T13:19:00.002+08:00

泪水，就像从地底涌出的泉水。

但是你一脚踩着了，封闭。

早就学会忍着，怎么还会用哭声换取血痕呢？

早已认识到，撕裂的皮不能擦上泪，消毒药水的效果比较好。

但现在你让着她，任由一柱清泉大肆喧哗。

哈。

所以你是在告诉我，泪水等同药水吗？

随便。

反正我已学会叹气。

2009-08-06T22:04:00.001+08:00

妈妈说：

以前我不许孩子哭，
认为那是懦弱的行为。
现在接受着孩子们合理的哭，
只要不是撒野的哭，
我都不去阻止，
哭能舒解情绪，
哭需被接纳。

只想说：凯欣！对不起！
当年妈咪不会照顾妳的哭泣。

2009-07-30T23:26:00.001+08:00

actually being sick once in a while is kind of,

liberating.

even though i feel like i'm, to some extent, exploiting my mc.

haha

2009-07-07T13:18:00.003+08:00

<--- changed picture ps. my 创作 page is updated, if anyone is free to read :)

2009-07-02T09:56:00.002+08:00

I remember how we wrote the countdown to exams and "freedom"

and how Mrs Teo looked at it and kind of laughed as she said

Days to freedom: ∞

yup

2009-07-02T08:44:00.000+08:00

我觉得看书真的很重要。

看书vs读书？

2009-06-26T10:12:00.001+08:00

cant find my appointment letter for physiotherapy rahs got to produce it

shall rummage again

2009-06-16T19:34:00.001+08:00

one of the most important lessons in life is knowing how to shut up, and apparently my sisters both do not know this rule.

2009-05-28T01:23:00.001+08:00

HELLO CIRCLE LINE ! : D

2009-05-21T21:23:00.002+08:00

i feel displaced.

gave off vibes today (haha)

it is horrid that i am able to analyse my feelings, how can i be rationally emotional ?

tough.

没有愤慨，亦无忧伤，只有惆怅。

one point five.

this was the code for the 1.5 litre bottle that we have to bring every friday for four years. i had chosen this path. i had loathed its burden, but had gotten used to the weight, and then it became part of me, part of my life, part of my memory.

one point five.

now it is the stage that i am in. i am in between, sandwiched, neither here nor there. a burden, a tag, and i had chosen this path. i feel the weight, the pressure. it is a burden, it is tough. will i get used to it and integrate it fully into my life till i dont even single this situation anymore? i dont know. it is going to be part of my life and memory for sure though.

tiresome but i'll still have to trudge along.

i have believed that the human spirit was invincible, and the physical state will not limit in anyway. turns out that my belief started to fall apart slowly, like plates on the rack, one by one, like Yingying's plates, shattering singly, since the tear of my right anterior cruciate ligament.

ruptured. in and out. isn't that painful? but it is less painful as i see it in the third person's perspective. odd. why am i looking on to my pain as if it is not mine? yet so, why do i still feel this pain eating my insides, bit by bit.

this is the process of growth. pain is the essence of growth.

at times i feel too young, yet there are times i feel too old for my age.

horrid thoughts.

is it really necessary for us to keep growing? we gain insight and lose our innocence. we reach adulthood and lose the childhood crystal. worth it ?

perhaps. maybe it will be too late when i find out. or never too late if i never find out.

and yet i still believe.

故天将降大任于斯人也，必先苦其心志，劳其筋骨，饿其体肤，空乏其身

2009-05-03T12:51:00.000+08:00

my knee is feeling horrid. : (

2009-05-03T10:48:00.002+08:00

so swift have time past, it is already May !

not exactly bad though, so far I've been adapting well.

& the class has knitters ! hahaha : D

2009-04-17T11:14:00.001+08:00

whats with the numbering at my tag board ? haha

went to st nicks on tues with huiying aand shuhying and drank ICED TEA (THE ULTIMATE BEST)
: D

2009-04-12T20:13:00.002+08:00

i feel myself withering away as i read about Anterior Cruciate Ligament injury and reconstruction surgery

the specialist suspect that i may have torn my ACL, so i'm scheduled to do a MRI this month.

if it shows that the ligament is torn, thats it. damned.

i'll need a surgery and screws in my leg. and months(? specific time) without run, jump,

and judo.

!@#$#%$^%&^*&&^%$#

2009-04-03T22:45:00.003+08:00

(Empathy is your pain in my heart)

How could I have not known ?

******

爱你就等于爱自己。

******

《我不是你想象的那么勇敢》

女生：小姐，我的"初吻"找到了吗？
柜台小姐：我不跟你说过，没有人找到吗？这么想要的话，那我给你好了！

你是否能听见她的渴望？

******

《出塞曲》席慕容

蔡琴演唱

请为我唱一首出塞曲

用那遗忘了的古老言语

请用美丽的颤音轻轻呼唤

我心中的大好河山

那只有长城外才有的清香

谁说出塞歌的调子太悲凉

如果你不爱听

那是因为歌中没有你的渴望

而我们总是要一唱再唱

想着草原千里闪着金光

想着风沙呼啸过大漠

想着黄河岸啊阴山旁

英雄骑马壮

骑马荣归故乡

******

How do I illustrate to you my intangible insecurities?

******

《当爱已成往事》

这首歌，会牵起你的情绪。

因为你仍有梦。（即使残缺，仍是晶莹的梦）

2009-04-03T20:00:00.002+08:00

school performance to now,

lit is fine : ) not bad in fact
maths is well, maths. scraped a D : /
got to put in more time and effort into CLL.
and ALOT OF EFFORT for econs. barely had an E for the holiday assignment.
and oh my god GP, really had a bad score for the assignment which will constitute 5% of my promos. failing grade

have an appointment witht he knee specialist next tues. hopefully will find out whats wrong and not just waste money. hais

ps. whats with all the numbers at the tagboard ! haha

2009-03-27T23:48:00.002+08:00

flooble deleted my tagboard, presumably because it was left stagnant for too long.

so there goes the tagboard which had followed me for so long.

anyway, i've created a new one which is well, the same as the previous one haha. just that it is blank without any history as yet.

2009-03-20T21:26:00.001+08:00

botched my first lit assignment and scraped by a D

have to attend the camp for school sport correspondents over the next two days
homework ?

To have a glorious death on the battlefield.

i do try to supress any signs of laughter when i browse through the pictures we took at the Botanic Gardens, but as Resistance is Futile, well... : )

We look so dumb and happy haha, and foong sheng qi we all miss you so much

2009-03-14T10:46:00.001+08:00

i'm running a fever now

39.6 Degree Celsius

just now was 39.8 and i thought it might even shoot through 40

sian

first time left a camp early cos sick

but i also wouldnt enjoy walking such long distance even if i was fine ha

i dont want to eat panadol but i guess i'll still take two later

2009-03-11T04:07:00.003+08:00

i slept from 730 pm to 1 am -.-

so as to now i've done three hours of work since it's 4 am now. yay

ridiculous time to be awake

so much to be done : /

went to cut hair on monday! good no more thick wisps of hair swiping my face anymore

2009-03-08T20:28:00.002+08:00

tiredddddddddddd.

judo age group today !

nyjc bagged 4 golds and many other medals hoho : )

great job !!

i shall start to train tomorrow and hopefully my knee stays : /

national individuals in two weeks time !

must zam3 everything since i've already forgone my chance today cos of the dumb knee.

hais. recover quick please !

2009-03-06T22:15:00.000+08:00

okay so it has been well : )

lalala

2009-02-25T05:35:00.002+08:00

current status: adapting to new class, catching up on the 1-2 weeks which i missed out

havent gotten my econs textbooks yet and i need to have some time to analyse richard the third.

yep. i can do it and i will do it.

p.s. huiying ! : ) thank you and i really miss you

2009-02-21T19:37:00.004+08:00

everyone is studying for block tests.

except me.

and yes i am going back, to repeat jc1.

**********

星期一，我趁下课后与课外活动开始前的空档，乘了巴士回到母校。

圣尼格拉女校。

去领取搁置了一整年的毕业证书。

很难受，因为是以高中1.5的身份回去。

觉得全身的皮肤被很多细针扎着，很不自在。

罪人。让人失望的女儿。

到站，下车。

走上弯曲的小斜坡，一阵陌生的熟悉感袭面而来。

二月十六日，星期一的一场雨，细细的毛毛雨。

我穿着初院的制服，在微雨中踏入了圣尼格拉。

有很多小妹妹们在妈妈的雨伞下与我擦肩而过。

我没有带雨伞。

冒雨。也还好，不过是小雨。

速速以参访者的名义，申报资料。

到了办公室领取证书。

因为不舍得就此离开，所以走得更深。

走到了圣约翰的活动房。门外。

有人，因为灯光由窗户透出。

不忍伸手开门。

无言，无颜。

该走了，原因：不想迟到。

原因之二：不想流泪。

岂知走到入口，细雨已化为倾盆。

第一个感觉就是，天要我留。

留下来。

痴笑。

望了望朦胧的天空，

大步迈出校门。

皮肤因为受寒，开始颤抖。

冰凉的雨水深入心里，心脏似乎也在颤动。

二月十六日，星期一的一场雨，寒彻心扉的大雨。

搭巴士，沿着之前的路途,

离开。

2009-02-19T19:09:00.002+08:00

I am a pudding,

I am a mango pudding,

I like to wingle wangle tingle tangle everywhere !

IN A CUP !

song created by Rachel Ko haha : )

stuck in my head

2009-02-17T21:42:00.003+08:00

是否能静下脚步，倾听我无声的泪痕？

睡吧，寻梦去；

寻那美丽、脆弱、缠满荆麻的梦。

睡吧。

2009-02-14T14:53:00.001+08:00

Awaiting.

A disappearance act.

2009-02-07T19:54:00.002+08:00

this week has been, bad.

it got better but seriously, the first three days was hell.

i had the lowest score in the entire level for chemistry

probably the lowest in nyjc history.

i cannot balance equations at all.

i hate chem.

& my mind and body cannot take it.

bumped into my civics tutor and he asked if i was free/had any lessons

and well, i had a lesson so i went away.

most probably he wants to talk to me, duh why else would he ask if i had time -.-

i better prepare a box of tissue before i talk to him.

i'm prepared to spend 3 years in nyjc.

i know the U-turn sign is prepared for me, the matter is just when it'll be shown in my academic highway.

please make it soon, or i'll crash and burn.

2009-02-02T23:39:00.000+08:00

-spasms-

pause.

-twitches-

conclusion: i miss squadmates and i'm having withdrawal symptoms

2009-02-01T20:32:00.002+08:00

lynette's house yesterday! : )
boonyi debbie huiying nette shengqi shuhying qingning waner xinrong yurui
(my life revolves around people from st nicks, yes?)
haha
was supposedly a mahjong session BUT the mahjong business just kept being disrupted, then we ended us talking and talking and looking at photos from secondary days
and OMG i look much leaner in sec sch ! (though at that time i kept receving comments that i was plump fat whatever [esp from my mum !! >: (], urgh, so now i'm really a bigger size ah thanks)
lose weight !!! (ironic since a box of chocs are just beside me now ! HAHA)
whatever, i'm healthy haha

oh yes and the cheese pineapple tarts in nette's house are seriously odd tasting HAHA
but beef stew chicken rice and cold noodles were great !

slept for 12 hours !
anyways, we're going to meet for dinner this coming sunday again ! yay !

i'm still freaking tired though and i'm still trying to do up the essays that i owe zhang laoshi ! : (
ARGH SLEEP ! IS ABSOLUTELY NEEDED IN ABUNDANCE IN THIS CURRENT STAGE !
hate jc life hatejc life hatejc life

my arms are becoming so big that the armholes of my shirts feels alot smaller, it's impossible to not feel the weight gain damn it !
but.... the food. hais

health camp, sigh guess i'm already on the list

2009-01-24T20:51:00.003+08:00

okay i havent been here for quite some time (i.e school is hustle-hell)

bintan with squadmates : D (17&18 jan)
& nette's birthday ! (20 jan)

love our way of eating cake: just grab a spoon/fork and attack the cake : )

it's absolutely beautiful how we still keep in touch so frequently after graduation.
-cue blissful music-

well so school has already started for 2 riduculously tourturing weeks.
it feels like, what ? so fast !
but when i was in those weeks i almost died. gah
in fact i walked out of a test half an hour before it ended (it was supposed to be one and a half hours)
just yesterday (23 jan, was susan's birthday btw : ))
oh you ask what subject was it? obviously it's Chemistry. whats new ?
couldnt do the questions at all and anyway no teachers were present so i just placed my script at the teacher's table and left with meiwei.

yay. all hail chem. all hail dejection.

had been making chinese ney year pastries the entire day ! : )
feel good cos FINALLY work without words !
its so much more enjoyable at the kitchen table than the makeshift study table (my study table was the small kitchen table)

i cant wait for 31st jan to come ! : DDDD
of course it's because there's squadmates ! whats new ? ; )
mahjong, haha, we must play until we reach the age of Joy Luck Club aunties okay !

2009-01-12T21:11:00.002+08:00

wow st nicks did super well for 2008 O's! : D

i miss st nicks, too much to be put into words.

2009-01-11T23:30:00.002+08:00

today is an effective chiong homework day ! cos i finished my bio remediation package of 37 essays yay ! i did from like morn 9+ to like 1115 pm (minus lunch dinner bathing and three minutes of little nyonya, which btw is totally redundant)! GOODNESS i cant believe it hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

but unfortunately its also the last day for the hols, and.... i still have heaps of work not done
sian !

2009-01-11T10:43:00.001+08:00

there's an email in my inbox thats titled,
Geraint Wong has added you as a friend on Facebook

hmm... 0.0

school starts tomorrow and i'm just, bleagh

2009-01-10T19:51:00.002+08:00

okay i've just downloaded the new timetable from the schools website and it looks absolutely weird.
why H3 is twice a week !
PE is twice a week too, must be like in sync with the youth olympics.
it seems that we only have 3 flagraisings per week? huh ?! (dont make me lose my job for commanding leh, not much left leh)
it's so weird i dont know what to expect for the school term, gosh

2009-01-08T09:13:00.002+08:00

1. never go to training without breakfast

did that last friday and almost died as the colour fades from my skin. thank goodness for the sweet drink from the vending machine.

2. movies with squadmates are the best

IP MAN ! OMG !! it's like so 团结就是力量

3. the recycle bin IS useful

painted the judo banner yesterday and we got newspapers from the recycle bin to place under it cos we didnt have enough haha.

4. turpentine is AWESOME

its like magic ! too bad i didnt realise that there were many other paint stains all over my limbs. i looked like a blood-drenched apparition from a car accident with all the red and black paint : / and now my leg looks sunburnt cos the paint didnt come off clean

5. homework is crap.

no elaboration required.

6. freaking chinese lit test tomorrow.

walau eh sian.

7. i'm dead.

2009-01-03T08:31:00.001+08:00

okay so it's the 2009 already.
: /

so anyway, new year resolution:

To live through 2009.

2008-12-30T17:51:00.001+08:00

"She's too defensive, look at the way she stand, she's afraid to fall. Cannot hide from me."

My coach's coach perception of me, and it is accurate, unfortunately.

2008-12-18T12:29:00.005+08:00

tagged by qingqing and wendy! (same quiz dots leh)

1. The person who tag you is?
Lee Sin Yee (but we all call her qing : ))
Tan Wei Ting (but I call her WENDY, cos old habits die hard : P)

2.Your relationship with him/her?
qing: my secfour nco !!! squadmates for four years and 2justice classmate :D
wendy: same class..(wait i must count first) from p2-p6 and then same class again in sec 2 ! (coincedentally with qing also !)

3.Your 5 impression of him/her?

qing
-FRIED BEEHOON !! HAHA :P
-ART PRO
-SINGING PRO
-PIANO PRO ! (very 十项全能 leh haha)
-super 有喜感 !

wendy
-电脑大白痴 (why did you go learn computing during pae huh cannot understand -.-)
-WHITE. why dont you ever get tanned even when you are so exposed to the sun ?!
-damn big eyes + damn long eyelashes (craziness)
-MOULDY SPECS (HAHA OKAY LA YOU CHANGED SPECS LIAO)
-damn lousy cook -.- tsk

4.The most memorable thing he/she had done ~~for~~ with u?
(paiseh i dont remember for the original question leh oops.)
both wendy and qing: the project that the three of us and yixin did in sec two and we owned everyone ! haha i remember it was about 代沟 and we had these funny skits : D we got first and it was like the first thing 2justice ever won haha (prize: alot of snacks heh)

oh ya plus the science experiment involving sanitary pads and green fluid. grosss

5. The most memorable thing he/she said to you?
qing: Touch green ! (which became a squad trend for quite a while haha)
wendy: sausage 也会 melt ah ?! (HAHA that was in primary school)

6.If he/she becomes ur lover, things he/she has to improve on?
熟到烂啦根本不可能 -.-

7. If she/ he become ur enemy, you will?
hmm this is more possible than the lover question HAHA. maybe some childish stuff like putting their photos on the wall then throw flying darts

9.What is it you want to tell her now?
qing: we should have a beehoon 大会 man ! like maybe go 研究 new beehoon flavours : )
wendy: eh i want to go your house ! what happened to rollerblade/swaveboard/badminton HUH?!

okay i'm too lazy to continue liao la the quiz is too long haha

ANYWAYS, my body stats are awry ! argh !!!!
i've got like ALOT of pimples between my eyebrows and on my forehead ! gosh this is seriously the most severe condition i've ever had. where is my blessed skin !!
AND my weight has reached an ALL TIME HIGH with the score of 71.9 kg ! whoots !
according to BMI calculation, i am still classified as "overweight", which i have always been, but now its inching more and more towards "obesity"! bahs

(but i dont really want to go on a diet leh, diet=impossible)

hais.

there's a tooth growing behind my last tooth, i suppose it is a wisdom tooth. my gum is covering it totally. hurts annonyingly. the pain doesnt kill but it doesnt go away either, guess i'll just have to live with it in the meantime.

2008-12-15T21:28:00.039+08:00

a very long summary of fifteen days in taiwan

1. saw 101

2. saw all road signs in chinese

3. crossed crazy streets

4. went to the damn crowded 士林夜市

5. had taiwan bento

7. went to various schools (uni & high schools) and 夜市

8. taiwan desserts !

(this is 三色豆花 btw)

we wanted to get 芒果冰 but there wasnt any mangoes in winter : (

9. saw funny signs

10. visited ALOT of 庙

11. watched 戏曲

12. ate a huge bar of chocolate (it's less than 4 sing dollars!)

13. visited 松山高中 &and we had a great day there (especially when compared with 復與)

14. found the way home at taipei's 101

15. went up to the 89, 90 and 91st floor of 101 (i wonder whats at the top of 101 man)

(my reflection looks like an apparition =.=)

16. saw those guard soldiers that dont move for one hour

17. went to 淡水's 情人桥

very easy to get postcard-like pictures here

18. we are from saint john ambulance brigade !

19. ate from the 餛飩 stall the jay chou likes (i think its just cos it's near his school lor)

20. had the tall 淡水霜淇淋

and this is actually only the small serving ! which is less than 50 cents sing ! the large one is at least twice of this size

21. more snacks !

22. went to fields and mountains

can see 101 in the fog !

23. made tea jelly

24. made christmas deco with chinese knots

25. went to 自由廣埸

26. went to see 温泉 which was damn smelly cos of the sulphur

27. went to climb 陽明山 and then climbed up this tower

(digression: gosh i look through the photos and i cant help but notice that i keep gaining fats, therefore i shall post minimal photos with me inside : /)

view of 日月潭 from the top

28. went to 文武庙 & 年梯

same birthday ! : D

clearer shot of the step

29. went to the theme park showcasing taiwan's 原住民

pounded mua chee (it's damn good and chewy ! totally different from the norm ones)

okay though we were at a theme park, we only played...

the merry-go-round HAHA okay and the indoor viking but we sat in the middle heh

(digress again: i'm getting tired doing this freaking long summary =.=)

30. saw the biggest moon earthlings saw in 15 years

31. ate 寶島一村's 包子 (寶島一村 is a play btw)

32. went to taoyuan airport (finally)

ticket to home

and then i'm home again after two weeks.

more thoughts next time ! i'm tired haha

[edit] i forgot to mention this

i met cai xilei !!! hahaha ! : )
[/edit]

2008-12-15T01:32:00.001+08:00

back :)

during this 15 days:

-did not make a single call or sms back to singapore
-sent a postcard home
-bought loads of books
-MET CHUA XILEI IN TAIPEI OMG
-bought loads of food haha

okay quite sleepy to be continued

2008-11-29T18:59:00.002+08:00

ah damned it's so tedious to pack the damned luggage.
hopefully i can update from taiwan ! i'll reach taipei at 1445 tomorrow. yup. will be away for fifteen days.

2008-11-29T11:17:00.002+08:00

17 years and 1 day old.

received very few birthday wishes this year compared to last year (i believe some wishes have been sent to my other phone numbers which i have lost haha)

but its okay, spent the day with dearest squadmates : ) that is really enough. wrote in the squad diary finally after more than a year. we must continue to fill the pages even if it takes ten years alright ?

going to taiwan for two weeks starting from tomorrow, i guess its a good chance to get away from here temporarily.

2008-11-27T15:09:00.001+08:00

Pained.

够了。

真的够了。

我已经如此压抑的活了十七年，为何你还一直不停的、继续的压缩我的呼吸空间？
噢，不对，不过是十六年三百六十四天罢了。

2008-11-20T04:33:00.005+08:00

是睡不着，抑或是
不想睡？

我们总是在寻找飞翔的自由，但其实都在自由地选择自己想要的束缚。

我喜欢写作。
因为我把我的影子给投射进去，放大，填上绚烂的颜色。

很美吧，抑或是
凄美？

我有太多的情绪，无法在这压抑的生活中显露、爆发。

因为常常是负面的，抑或是
不被人接受而已？

所以爱写作。

我所创造的人物活在不存在的时空。所以，我把情绪都送给她们。
由她们替我宣泄、替我狂欢、替我哭泣、替我麻木、替我体验、替我死。

所以我一直都活着，一直都很正常。

: )

p.s. 我现在，
不想睡。

你呢？是睡不着，
抑或是
不想睡？

2008-11-19T21:50:00.003+08:00

toot leh the guy in the 9pm show is singing san1 zhi1 lao3 hu3
what an idiot how many times must people sing this wrongly !! there's only two tigers !! liang zhi lao hu !!! grrrrrrrrrrrr

i strongly suspect that i'm in the early stage of receding gums.
darn.

oh and i'm nearing the 70kg mark. O.O
cham liao !!! ( but i will still continue to eat la. )
eh... more exercise !

2008-11-13T20:17:00.002+08:00

i havent mentioned that i bought a badminton net for $9.90
and.... well the quality is obviously compensated but i didnt expect such a huge disparity !
sian, things always come with prices

tomorrow is FINALLY THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL but what ever since there's still chinese project and loads of homework and catching up to do.

bahs.

2008-11-08T16:37:00.004+08:00

damn i cant put in my ear sticks on the top three any more ! they've shrunk !!! : (
meeting squaddies is fantastic : ) more more more !
oh GOSH a freaking badminton net costs $29.90 ?!?!?! shoot me (i'm kidding)
(i'm kidding about the shoot me part, not the price part)
i want to pick up knitting !
(HAHA MAYBE WHEN I KNOW HOW TO KNIT I"LL KNIT MY OWN BADMINTON NET. YAY)
oh okay i got two ear sticks in. one more to goooooooo ~